they want some biscuits

You know that one song you sing if you are trying to get some attention or nobody really likes you? Its about eating worms. Well that song sucks some balls. I added a few of my own special touches to that song and soon it will be sung across the nation.
Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I guess I’ll go eat turds.
Fat turds, skinny turds
La-la-la-la-la-la turds
I guess I’ll go eat turds.

There’s this other song about gofer guts. I can’t remember it at all, not even the tune. But, I’m sure it sucked some balls so here’s my version.
Yum yum some gofer guts
With a side cigarette buts
I like men with really big nuts
That live in Tahitian huts
Yum yum

My mom made some delicious looking brownie batter this afternoon. Being immature and out of control, (the way I just happen to be) I grabbed a spoon and dug in. To my surprise it didn’t taste the way I thought it was going to taste. The batter, of course, couldn’t have any eggs or milk in it because of the ‘vegans’ in my family. Fuckers. Anyway, have you ever been to a petting zoo? You know how the goats smell? Like urine-soaked hay and poop! Well, if you transferred your smell sense to your taste sense, that’s exactly how this brownie batter tasted. It was like I bit into a live goat. After I spit that shit up into the sink, I ranted and raved about how freakin’ nasty that brownie batter was. I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

I went to the gym today to do what people do at the gym. I ran on the treadmill for an excruciating long time. I eventually had to quit, obviously. Struggling to catch my breath and dripping in my own delicious salty sweat, I look down to see how long I ran for. It had to be at least forty five minutes. I thought. So, it was only three minutes…. Well, fuck you man! Lets see you run for more than three minutes. Its not that easy! Anyway, I was exhausted. I decided to take a little break before I would do anything else. Did you know that now-a-days they have like, four or five TVs in the gym? Man, people these days are even lazy when they work out! On one of the TVs, The Price is Right was on. Hell yeah! Bob Barker is so sexy! I grabbed a pair of headphones, plugged them in, popped a squat on the floor, and watched them bid.
“Seven hundred and fitty! Seven hundred and fitty you dumb bitch!” I screamed. They eventually kicked me out of the gym. Now I hate gyms and I will never go back. Thanks a lot you bastards!

So, I like to get my drink on. I don’t miss a weekend. But, why? Because I’m a alcoholic? Well, maybe but, is partying really what it is cracked up to be? Fuck yeah! But, why do we always drink more than we can handle? Because we think it’s a blast to spend the night in the toilet, duh. Because we can say whatever the fuck we want and its ok because we are under the ‘influence’. Because if you start a fight and get knocked the fuck out it doesn’t hurt. Then you can get back up in order to get knocked out again, but you totally don’t feel it and then you look like a bad ass. Now, I’ve been in my share of fights when drinking. I normally throw and punch, miss, and land on the floor. I roll around for a while until someone helps me up. But everyone knows if I would have connected… it might have hurt…. Anyway, tell me you’ve been to a party where there hasn’t been a fight, an argument, or someone puking all over. I doubt you can name one, I know I can’t. You want to know why? Because I’m there! If I’m not starting a fight, I’m puking on your carpet. Haha! I may look innocent when you invite me into your party but, looks can be deceiving. So, if you see someone puking on someone else’s carpet or another very clever spot, it’s me. Come over and say hi! Tell me you’ve read my blog and we’ll be instant friends. In conclusion, get your drink on and punch or puke. Its instant popularity! Oh yeah, and its all totally worth it.