they want some biscuits

Does anybody REALLY know why marijuana is illegal? NO!! Why is a little reefer so bad? Let me give you some examples of my personal opinion (which is the right opinion to have if you don’t want to get punched). Alcohol is legal to those of you who are over the age of 21 and any minor you want to buy it for. Well, how many times have you heard of people getting pulled over for being under the influence of alcohol while driving? Hmm… like a million! How many times have you heard of anyone getting pulled over for driving under the influence of some ganja? I only know of one person and that’s because he forgot to turn his headlights on after dark. And that was hilarious. But seriously now, when you drink alcohol you become mean! MEAN! MEAN! MEAN! But if you want to smoke some green its cool my babies because everyone is happy in WeedVille. Now as you know, I like to get my drink on, but I seriously think a wiser decision would be to get rid of alcohol and legalise my friend Mary Jane. Even Pres. Bush knows what I’m talking about. Bush has done some puff, puff, pass if you know what I mean. Right dawg? As you can see, there really isn’t a good reason for the sticky icky to be illegal. Which helps me with my next theory on how the White House is more like the Smoke House. They steel our weed man! If you get busted with some drugs, those cops are ordered to send it to the government. Which is then studied to see if its some really good shit or not. Next, they personally deliver it to the Pres. already rolled up in his favorite flavored blunt and ready to smoke. Bush, then says over the intercom, “Anyone who wants to get high come to the Oval Office! And bring some beer we’re getting fucked up tonight!” Its true I tell ya!

Oh the lovely tradition of sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall. Telling him what you wanted and getting your picture taken. I remember, I still have the pictures. I loved sitting on that bastard’s lap, smelling the liquor on his breath when he asked me what I wanted, waiting in line forever because every five minutes Santa left the workshop to have a cigarette break. It was all so magical. I remember one year I threw a fit because my mom said I was too old to see Santa. I REALLY wanted to go. It was a Christmas tradition. I was fifteen. Anyway, now (at least at our mall) you can set up an appointment for your pet to have it’s picture taken with Santa. Wow…. If you take your pet to see Santa your like Paris Hitler (oops, I mean Hilton) who carriers her dog everywhere in a $10,000 bag so it can sit in its own shit for however long it takes her to go shopping. Then the tape “accidentally” slips out onto the internet of her making out with her dog in a men’s public bathroom. What I’m trying to say here is, it seems a little ridiculous to me. Pets aren’t even allowed in the mall. But I guess its ok as long as they want to see Santa. I wish I had a pit bull. I would name it something like Fuzzy Wuzzy Balls and train it to attack Santa. I would wait in line with Fuzzy and when it was my turn I would let him loose. He would tear Santa’s shit up. Now that would be AWESOME. Happy Holidays!!!

I am writing today to apologize for the long period of time between each blog. For those of you who don’t know, my parents see me as a menace to society. I like to burn down houses and make burgers out of dog. It’s really not that big of a deal. But for whatever reason my parents have, they think it is necessary to keep me locked up in my room for most of the day. Its really crazy. They went through all the trouble to bar my windows and install a steal door. One time I starved myself so skinny that I could fit through the bars on my window. I escaped! That’s when they decided to criss-cross the bars and now I’m still in the process of coming up with a plan to get through those. They do let me out for an hour or two every once in a while when they feel like it. This is usually the time when I write a blog or try to cook the family dog. I was so close to fitting that delicious 80 pound yellow lab in the microwave today but my dad caught me. Now, I’m only allowed a half an hour outside of my so called bedroom. Bastards! Anyways, I’m sorry I do not write that often. My half an hour is up….

My last clever blog entry (as you can see below) involved creating new lyrics to old songs. I had just read the comment posted on that blog that was written by my sister-in-law, Hadley. Incase you are to lazy to click the fucking comments link, she wrote about how I like to make new lyrics to old Christmas songs. Now even though I love taking credit for things I didn’t do, I feel I might get pummeled by my brothers and sister-in-law for doing so on this specific issue. My brothers, Brian (www.houseofnoh.com), Dusty, his wife Hadley, and I all love to sing these silly Christmas songs. Now hey, I’ll admit this sounds pretty fucking dumb but, we spice things up a little bit. I’ll show you how. I will make new lyrics to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by: Some Dumbfuck . Now, you have to sing these lyrics to the tune or else it isn’t any fun. If you are a parent with a child under the age or seven this is a WONDERFUL Christmas project to do with them.

Rudolph the Big Cocked Reindeer
Had two very hairy balls
And if you ever saw them
You would want to touch it all

All of the other reindeer
Wished they had a big penis
Rudolph the Big Cocked Reindeer
Laughed and said you can’t touch this

Break it down now – Da na na na – na na na na – Can’t touch this
Da na na na – na na na na – Can’t touch this

Then one steamy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your cock so big
Won’t you put it in my butt

All of the other reindeer
Joined in and screamed with glee YIPEE!
Rudolph the Big Cocked Reindeer
Won’t you please come dOOoo meeeeee

And that’s what Brain, Dusty, Hadley, and I call a GREAT Christmas song.