they want some biscuits

I have a very serious question to ask everybody. But first, I would like to explain that it isn't easy being me. I sleep in the basement of my house. In order to get some breakfast when I wake up at 4 pm, I have to climb thirteen stairs. Thirteen! Sometimes, I only make it to twelve and I have to whine for my mom to hand me some cheese crackers and Mountain Dew for breakfast. Let it be known that the computer is also upstairs among my assorted breakfast crackers. I can't always get to it. OK!?

Here is my question: How do you scratch your butt?
I prefer to scratch my butt under the pants but over the underpants. Butts itch, don't deny it. How do you scratch it?