they want some biscuits

old people are cool

2006-01-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

Warning!! If you are over the age of 60 you may find this very offensive.

Since when did people establish that elderly people were the people to respect? Is it because they are so packed with information on life? They ARE packed with information, but none that is of any use to us. Sure, if I need to figure out how to defeather a chicken or properly clean some dentures I'll be sure to call an elderly person. They way I look at it they should respect us young adults. We are the ones that know how to send e-mails and leave voice mails. The other day my grandma called my cell phone and I missed her call. My voice mail rang and it was my grandma pushing buttons and saying, "What did that lady say?"

Now I'm not going to lie, old people are fun. It's not like I don't like them. They are very amusing. About a month ago we were having a family dinner and my grandma came to join us. We were all complimenting my brother on a concert he conducted. My grandma then says, "Those kids in you choir are ugly." That was pretty amusing to me.

Here is my favorite quote from my grandma: "If I could I would, but I can't."
Do you really want to know what she was talking about? SEX!! She's 92!
I like old people because they make me laugh.

2005-10-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stuffed your face with fast food until you thought you were going to burst and blow chunks everywhere? Then ate more? I have.

The other day I saw a guy driving down the street with a parrot on his shoulder. A real one. That's HILARIOUS! True story.

Don't wash them

2005-10-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Whenever I exit the bathroom I can expect some family member to scream at me, "Wash your hands!" I refuse. I don't feel it is necessary. More people should not wash their hands. Fuck all the scientific studies. Most of those "studies" are made up in order to sell tons of soap. Don't people know that when you turn on the water with your dirty hands those germs linger on the handle? And then when you finish washing your hands you touch the dirty handle and those germs are right back where they started from. ON YOUR HANDS! Think about when you are using a public bathroom and you go to wash your hands. A person could have just changed their baby's diaper and went to wash their hands at the same sink you are about to. Guess what's on the handle? Baby poop. So, you lather your hands up really good and just when you think they're squeaky clean, you stick them in baby poop to turn the water off. Here is my secret, just take a shower every once in a while and your hands will get washed automatically. Otherwise, there is no need to wash them.

butts itch

2005-09-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

I have a very serious question to ask everybody. But first, I would like to explain that it isn't easy being me. I sleep in the basement of my house. In order to get some breakfast when I wake up at 4 pm, I have to climb thirteen stairs. Thirteen! Sometimes, I only make it to twelve and I have to whine for my mom to hand me some cheese crackers and Mountain Dew for breakfast. Let it be known that the computer is also upstairs among my assorted breakfast crackers. I can't always get to it. OK!?

Here is my question: How do you scratch your butt?
I prefer to scratch my butt under the pants but over the underpants. Butts itch, don't deny it. How do you scratch it?

I hope she eats it

2005-07-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

I haven’t writing in a while again. I would bust out some excuses, but I think I have used all of my good ones. I haven’t even read my blog in a long time. (I like to read my blog over and over again and giggle about how funny I think I am.) Although, I do have to say, I am a very important person. I am super busy with the sleeping and the watching of the TV...

After 10 minutes of staring at the screen, straining my brain to think of something
funny to write...

And… that’s all I got. I don’t even have any good stories about poop. How lame is that? Now you see why I haven’t writing in a while. I got nothing. Maybe I’ll poop in the back yard and see if my dog, Abby, eats it. I’ll let ya know how that turns out.

Get a Dog

2005-06-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

The other day I was at the mall and I saw a woman shopping for shoes. So obviously, minding my own business, I looked the other way. Until I saw something out of the corner of my eye. The women was holding a hot pink leash attached to something. From around the corner emerged a child. A child? Yes, a child. Who knows how that leash was attached to that kid. It was probably clipped to a leather spiked collar around the child’s neck. Why do people do that to there kids? What is the difference between holding the end of a leash oppose to you kids fucking hand? Hey, next time clip the leash to the kids tongue and drag him/her around the mall that way. Or here, just do this, get a fucking dog!

I'll punch you

2005-04-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

I’m in the stage of my life when I really need to decide on what I want to do for the rest of my life. I guess its called a career or something. I have given it A LOT of thought and I have finally found out my true calling. I’m going to be a Super Hero. Now, I don’t have any super powers yet, but I was thinking maybe I could learn some witch craft or something. I’m going to call myself The Kickass Bitchass Puncher Chick. Basically, I’m going to go around and punch people. But only people who are doing bad things. Like, if some jerk steps on a caterpiller, I will punch him or her. I’m going to bust out the punch of death. Never before seen. I’ve secretly been working on it. You are not allowed to hit me back, though. You can’t hit a super hero, are you insane?

Girls DO poo

2005-04-07T06:02:00.000-07:00

I realize I talk an awful lot about poop. I should have named my blog, they want some poop, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I talk so fondly of it. I don’t love it. Most of the time its stinky, but I also find it so amusing. It keeps me entertained I guess. I mean just say it. Poop. Turd. I’m laughing right now just typing it. You can call me immature if you want. I like to call it ‘being real’ because everyone poops. Why not just realize that pooping is totally awesome (as well as being super funny). Get in touch with your inner poop, people!
A couple of my male friends are very “conservative” if you will, about girls pooping. I was hanging out with a bunch of my friends and I don’t remember how we got onto the subject of pooping, but we did. One of my guy friends said, “Girls don’t poo.” And I made the awesome remark of, “Yes we do. In fact, I took a shit at YOUR house the other day.” He was very disturbed. That really bugs me though. I know he doesn’t REALLY believe that girls don’t take massive poops, but he tries to think we don’t. WHY? I don’t get it!
Anyway, I’m so of track of what I really wanted to say. This afternoon I took my dog, Abby, for a walk. Not only does she eat her own poop, she eats other dog turds too. At least she did today. I wonder if I took a poop in the back yard, if she would eat that as well? Maybe I should give that a try.

The I.L.P.G.

2005-04-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

My mom told me this hilarious story the other day. She was riding in my dad's car with him when they approached some train tracks. There was a train crossing, so naturally they stopped and waited for the train to pass and the lights to stop blinking. While they waited I think they were making out, but my mom said she saw something really funny. On the side of one of the train cars it said, I 'heart' poop. My mom thought that a homeless man or woman spray painted that on the side of the car he or she lived in. Which is super funny, BUT! I have a different theory. Obviously its graffiti. So, obviously it was painted on by the I.L.P.G.! The I Love Poop Gang! You know, from the West side. I've heard about them. I've actually tried to join them but I wasn't "hardcore" enough. Anyway, it was totally them! And I'll tattle again you heartless bastards!

or something

2005-03-29T23:45:00.000-08:00

I know this kid named Andrew. I heard he likes boys or something.

Cats

2005-03-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

Here's something to really think about before you go to bed tonight. Why don't we ever see cats hump? We see dogs hump all the time. In the park, on the street, on t.v.. My dog is a fixed female and she'll hump any leg she can get her paws on. Have you ever seen a cat hump? Are cats just very conservative in the public eye but then behind closed doors real freaky? Why don't we ever see cats hump?!

Poopy keys

2005-03-22T04:34:00.000-08:00

I hid my dad's keys from him today. It was awesome. After my mom tattled on me, he stormed downstairs and demanded his keys. I said, "Ah hell no biatch!" Or... at least thats what I was thinking. When he finally realized I wasn't giving them to him he took a new approach. He thought that insulting me might make me give them back. "You are (so many years) going on thirteen!" He screamed. I giggled. He went back upstairs all pissed off like. Since I'm supposively only going to turn thirteen this year, I decided to act on my young teen like impulses. I retrieved his keys from my secret special spot and chucked them into the back yard. I hope Abby didn't eat her poop today cuz thats where I wanted those keys to land.

Poopsicles

2005-03-16T23:41:00.000-08:00

Let me explain breifly why I have not written in a while. I was on the run from Pirates. Anyway, my dog, Abby, likes to eat her own turds. It doesn't matter if its a week old or straight from the pooper, she'll eat it. Her favorite way to eat her own poop is during the winter, when her turds turn into something I like to call poopsicles. The other day she brought one into the house to thaw for dinner. My mom found it and in disgust threw it out. Abby got pissed and in return humped my mom. Payback is a bitch.

Smelly

2005-01-02T23:52:00.000-08:00

How does one wake up outside in a crappy fort made out of soggy cardboard and spooning a strange, smelly hobo behind a Meijer? I have no idea. But that’s where I woke up New Years morning.

The Shaft

2004-12-29T21:25:00.000-08:00

Does anybody REALLY know why marijuana is illegal? NO!! Why is a little reefer so bad? Let me give you some examples of my personal opinion (which is the right opinion to have if you don’t want to get punched). Alcohol is legal to those of you who are over the age of 21 and any minor you want to buy it for. Well, how many times have you heard of people getting pulled over for being under the influence of alcohol while driving? Hmm… like a million! How many times have you heard of anyone getting pulled over for driving under the influence of some ganja? I only know of one person and that’s because he forgot to turn his headlights on after dark. And that was hilarious. But seriously now, when you drink alcohol you become mean! MEAN! MEAN! MEAN! But if you want to smoke some green its cool my babies because everyone is happy in WeedVille. Now as you know, I like to get my drink on, but I seriously think a wiser decision would be to get rid of alcohol and legalise my friend Mary Jane. Even Pres. Bush knows what I’m talking about. Bush has done some puff, puff, pass if you know what I mean. Right dawg? As you can see, there really isn’t a good reason for the sticky icky to be illegal. Which helps me with my next theory on how the White House is more like the Smoke House. They steel our weed man! If you get busted with some drugs, those cops are ordered to send it to the government. Which is then studied to see if its some really good shit or not. Next, they personally deliver it to the Pres. already rolled up in his favorite flavored blunt and ready to smoke. Bush, then says over the intercom, “Anyone who wants to get high come to the Oval Office! And bring some beer we’re getting fucked up tonight!” Its true I tell ya!

Hooray! Santa!

2004-12-19T15:56:00.000-08:00

Oh the lovely tradition of sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall. Telling him what you wanted and getting your picture taken. I remember, I still have the pictures. I loved sitting on that bastard’s lap, smelling the liquor on his breath when he asked me what I wanted, waiting in line forever because every five minutes Santa left the workshop to have a cigarette break. It was all so magical. I remember one year I threw a fit because my mom said I was too old to see Santa. I REALLY wanted to go. It was a Christmas tradition. I was fifteen. Anyway, now (at least at our mall) you can set up an appointment for your pet to have it’s picture taken with Santa. Wow…. If you take your pet to see Santa your like Paris Hitler (oops, I mean Hilton) who carriers her dog everywhere in a $10,000 bag so it can sit in its own shit for however long it takes her to go shopping. Then the tape “accidentally” slips out onto the internet of her making out with her dog in a men’s public bathroom. What I’m trying to say here is, it seems a little ridiculous to me. Pets aren’t even allowed in the mall. But I guess its ok as long as they want to see Santa. I wish I had a pit bull. I would name it something like Fuzzy Wuzzy Balls and train it to attack Santa. I would wait in line with Fuzzy and when it was my turn I would let him loose. He would tear Santa’s shit up. Now that would be AWESOME. Happy Holidays!!!

Mmmm dog

2004-12-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

I am writing today to apologize for the long period of time between each blog. For those of you who don’t know, my parents see me as a menace to society. I like to burn down houses and make burgers out of dog. It’s really not that big of a deal. But for whatever reason my parents have, they think it is necessary to keep me locked up in my room for most of the day. Its really crazy. They went through all the trouble to bar my windows and install a steal door. One time I starved myself so skinny that I could fit through the bars on my window. I escaped! That’s when they decided to criss-cross the bars and now I’m still in the process of coming up with a plan to get through those. They do let me out for an hour or two every once in a while when they feel like it. This is usually the time when I write a blog or try to cook the family dog. I was so close to fitting that delicious 80 pound yellow lab in the microwave today but my dad caught me. Now, I’m only allowed a half an hour outside of my so called bedroom. Bastards! Anyways, I’m sorry I do not write that often. My half an hour is up….

Christmas songs

2004-12-09T23:49:00.000-08:00

My last clever blog entry (as you can see below) involved creating new lyrics to old songs. I had just read the comment posted on that blog that was written by my sister-in-law, Hadley. Incase you are to lazy to click the fucking comments link, she wrote about how I like to make new lyrics to old Christmas songs. Now even though I love taking credit for things I didn’t do, I feel I might get pummeled by my brothers and sister-in-law for doing so on this specific issue. My brothers, Brian (www.houseofnoh.com), Dusty, his wife Hadley, and I all love to sing these silly Christmas songs. Now hey, I’ll admit this sounds pretty fucking dumb but, we spice things up a little bit. I’ll show you how. I will make new lyrics to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by: Some Dumbfuck . Now, you have to sing these lyrics to the tune or else it isn’t any fun. If you are a parent with a child under the age or seven this is a WONDERFUL Christmas project to do with them.

Rudolph the Big Cocked Reindeer
Had two very hairy balls
And if you ever saw them
You would want to touch it all

All of the other reindeer
Wished they had a big penis
Rudolph the Big Cocked Reindeer
Laughed and said you can’t touch this

Break it down now – Da na na na – na na na na – Can’t touch this
Da na na na – na na na na – Can’t touch this

Then one steamy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your cock so big
Won’t you put it in my butt

All of the other reindeer
Joined in and screamed with glee YIPEE!
Rudolph the Big Cocked Reindeer
Won’t you please come dOOoo meeeeee

And that’s what Brain, Dusty, Hadley, and I call a GREAT Christmas song.

Turds and gofers

2004-11-30T22:46:00.000-08:00

You know that one song you sing if you are trying to get some attention or nobody really likes you? Its about eating worms. Well that song sucks some balls. I added a few of my own special touches to that song and soon it will be sung across the nation.
Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I guess I’ll go eat turds.
Fat turds, skinny turds
La-la-la-la-la-la turds
I guess I’ll go eat turds.

There’s this other song about gofer guts. I can’t remember it at all, not even the tune. But, I’m sure it sucked some balls so here’s my version.
Yum yum some gofer guts
With a side cigarette buts
I like men with really big nuts
That live in Tahitian huts
Yum yum

Goat batter

2004-11-21T18:53:00.000-08:00

My mom made some delicious looking brownie batter this afternoon. Being immature and out of control, (the way I just happen to be) I grabbed a spoon and dug in. To my surprise it didn’t taste the way I thought it was going to taste. The batter, of course, couldn’t have any eggs or milk in it because of the ‘vegans’ in my family. Fuckers. Anyway, have you ever been to a petting zoo? You know how the goats smell? Like urine-soaked hay and poop! Well, if you transferred your smell sense to your taste sense, that’s exactly how this brownie batter tasted. It was like I bit into a live goat. After I spit that shit up into the sink, I ranted and raved about how freakin’ nasty that brownie batter was. I hope I didn’t offend anyone.

I hate the gym

2004-11-15T00:08:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym today to do what people do at the gym. I ran on the treadmill for an excruciating long time. I eventually had to quit, obviously. Struggling to catch my breath and dripping in my own delicious salty sweat, I look down to see how long I ran for. It had to be at least forty five minutes. I thought. So, it was only three minutes…. Well, fuck you man! Lets see you run for more than three minutes. Its not that easy! Anyway, I was exhausted. I decided to take a little break before I would do anything else. Did you know that now-a-days they have like, four or five TVs in the gym? Man, people these days are even lazy when they work out! On one of the TVs, The Price is Right was on. Hell yeah! Bob Barker is so sexy! I grabbed a pair of headphones, plugged them in, popped a squat on the floor, and watched them bid.
“Seven hundred and fitty! Seven hundred and fitty you dumb bitch!” I screamed. They eventually kicked me out of the gym. Now I hate gyms and I will never go back. Thanks a lot you bastards!

Parties

2004-11-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

So, I like to get my drink on. I don’t miss a weekend. But, why? Because I’m a alcoholic? Well, maybe but, is partying really what it is cracked up to be? Fuck yeah! But, why do we always drink more than we can handle? Because we think it’s a blast to spend the night in the toilet, duh. Because we can say whatever the fuck we want and its ok because we are under the ‘influence’. Because if you start a fight and get knocked the fuck out it doesn’t hurt. Then you can get back up in order to get knocked out again, but you totally don’t feel it and then you look like a bad ass. Now, I’ve been in my share of fights when drinking. I normally throw and punch, miss, and land on the floor. I roll around for a while until someone helps me up. But everyone knows if I would have connected… it might have hurt…. Anyway, tell me you’ve been to a party where there hasn’t been a fight, an argument, or someone puking all over. I doubt you can name one, I know I can’t. You want to know why? Because I’m there! If I’m not starting a fight, I’m puking on your carpet. Haha! I may look innocent when you invite me into your party but, looks can be deceiving. So, if you see someone puking on someone else’s carpet or another very clever spot, it’s me. Come over and say hi! Tell me you’ve read my blog and we’ll be instant friends. In conclusion, get your drink on and punch or puke. Its instant popularity! Oh yeah, and its all totally worth it.

The eye doctor

2004-10-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

I had to take my dad to the eye doctor today at 8:00am. He made me go with him so I could drive him home if they dilated his pupils. As he was in the back room with the doctor, I waited in the waiting room. About fifteen minutes later this old man came out and sat in the waiting room while he waited for his ride. He took a seat right across from me. I glanced up.
“Hello!” He screamed at me (as if I was the deaf one).
“Hi.” I said as I gave him a warm smile (even though he frightened me a little).
Within two minutes the old man fell fast asleep and started snoring. Eventually, his driver came and startled him awake. He helped the old man up and they started walking toward the door.
“I think I have to use the bathroom.” The old man groaned.I was thinking the poor old man had a weak bladder and he had to take a whiz. But then I heard something. Pfffffffffttt. Pffffffftt. What is that? Pfffffttt. Pffffffffffttttt. Oh my God the old man gots the runs! It was SO loud! Everybody heard it. People in the waiting room exchanged glances and I started to giggle. He was in there FOREVER! He driver started to get impatient and he paced back and forward. Pfffffffttt. Pffffffftttttt. Finally, a flush was heard and the old man waddled out as fast as he could. I think he overflowed the toilet and he didn’t want any one to know it was him. You poor old man, we all know it was you because we heard you! Anyway, they left and then my dad came out. It turns out they didn’t dilate his pupils so he didn’t need a ride home. I could of slept in but then I would of missed the highlight of my day! Tip of the hat to you old man!!

Old people

2004-10-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

The other day I went over to my Grandma's apartment complex to hang out. She wanted me to bring her and myself some lunch from Wendy's. I thought, oh hell naw, but I did it anyway. When I got there I parked my car and popped the trunk. I had to get the baseball bat I always keep in my car out. Cautiously I walked toward the complex making sure no one was following me. I got to the front door. I tucked the bag of Wendy's under my arm and lifted the bat ready for attack.
"AHHHHHH!" I screamed as I raced through the lobby to the elevator.
"Wendy's, Wendy's! She's got Wendy's!" The old people chanted as they chased after me. I reached the elevator and pushed the up button frantically. They caught up to me. One after another I knocked the fuckers out. Now, I normally don't beat up old people, but when you bring fast food into a retirement home it is almost necessary for survival.
Whack! Thud! Crack! The sound of the bat ricocheting off the old peoples' heads echoed in the lobby. The elevator opened and there was a little old lady in there. I knocked that bitch out too and then pressed number six. Going up. Once I reached the sixth floor I kicked the old lady in the face just for satisfaction. I stepped out and made my way down the hall to my grandma's apartment. We had a lovely lunch.

Why biscuits?

2004-10-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I could start my blog off by talking about the title. Not!! Haha suckers, I’m not going to give away the mystery of my title! Are you crazy? That’s the best part of my blog. Who wants some biscuits? And why? Do giraffes want biscuits? If they’re hungry they will eat biscuits. Well, you guessed wrong because those dirty mother fuckers don’t eat biscuits. They eat little kids. Do some particular people want some biscuits? Are they real biscuits? Who the fuck would write about ‘biscuits’ anyway? I would, bitches! You better believe it!